Guildford Hockey Club Est. 1912

Men's 4th XI v Chertsey - Mutiny on the Bunty

 13th Oct 2018

Mutiny on the Bunty

Since we cast Skipper Joe adrift in middle of the Sargasso Sea we have of course been playing far more intuitive hockey. Bosun Lenel has come from the lower decks to instruct, cajole and co-ordinate the on shore parties and it is to that end I write you my darling Tabitha of our latest exploits on Saturday.

Lenel had this great idea that we would make our way to an inhospitable island called Chertsey, which is nestled between Staines and other Salesian Outcrops. Here we encountered a team of savages who used agricultural implements shaped like hockey sticks. A whistle was blown and we found our passes and pivotol play were cut down with hacking and shoving and tackling the likes of which I have never seen before. Throughout the game I had to literally muster all my 17.3 stone to stamp down the oppositions stick tackles.

I thought surely the two coconut trees acting as umpires, (one tall, one not so tall), would spot the incursions but alas it was not to be. Not even Lenel's remonstrating with the smaller one made any difference to the now 13 strong opponents who moved as one overbearing cannibal friendly cauldron. One by one we were fed to the crucible. Not even our early set play, the master class in how to do Penalty corners right from Jason and Gordon; could assuage the Thames Valley Beast masquerading as siren.

How the goals fell after that I can't really remember because of subbing you tend to forget who you are and what you are doing. The opportunistic opposition seemed to get a load of penalty corners but scored broadside goals more from open play? We have a really good goalie who speaks with such a well to do accent you would never think he was the ship's cook but even he couldn't keep the weavels out.

Dave had his uber specs on again, which makes him look really cool as he shouts orders for more muskets and ammo. I think Zac T is now driving a car but can't yet buy a drink independently so that must feel quite odd. There was this new guy called Patrick who we picked up last minute from the Emerald Isle who got in their way a bit and naturally Archie played his little socks off and there was the return of Go Slow who is anything other than slow who I think pipped Barney to the no 1 spot of Man of the Match.

The Roster list bears absolutely no resemblance to the away party whatsoever, as does the scoreline because this week we didn't really give the ball away anywhere near as much as previous, however our attacking play notoriously failed to link up as it should and I have to take the lion share of responsibility of screwing up one particular sitter from Lawts. But nothing comes close to the supposedly 'formidable' John JT Taylor falling over for no apparent reason. His heart, (about to be cut out by the savages), literally just stopped beating and he keeled over.

One way or another we all ended up in the melting pot. We look tasty when we play as one and we are certainly gaining momentum but this stage of season resembles many of the discordant personnel changes experience by Star Trek 1st Season before Kirk came on board and settled the ship. Skipper Joe needs to come back from being adrift and take control of this vessel he once loved and cherished. More of the midribs need to join the cabin boys for mid week practice and I need iron my ridiculously tight shorts because I seem to be attracting a lot of parrots.

It was a cannon ball of a game, one that saw me getting a ticking off from the lankier coconut ump, I wouldn't have minded the other one in lycra but Bosun Lenel had already got her number and was using all his sweaty charm.

As the blood drained out of our limbs not even the idiotic decisions went our way; like the side line injection of 20 or so metres into the D that was disallowed by the taller coco tree. Bosun not happy.

After the battle on this particular beach, we returned to the club house of dreams and did the usual circle. Nic the Vic invited me to become a parishoner, Archie's dad was found to be quite interesting (Le Mans knowledge), Go Slow's dad bought some drinks and Mark nicked my crisps so it wasn't too bad.

For some reason I was nominated for DOD which surprised me given that this is now the third match report I have willingly done just to receive the 39 lashes. Bagsey be up in the crows nest from now because I am running out of gags and I need to see if I can spot dry land.

Look I can see Joe!

Final Score

Krakens 1
Thames Valley Salesian Pirate Sea Monster Barnacle Squid Ink Ugly got the Ump's 4


GHC Logo full colour final

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