Stardate: Gotham Sa Turd ay 6th October
Krakens V Pre Shaving Royal Holloway Unilovers
In the hope that my first match report might actually get published, I decided to write down no more, no less; the endeavours and adventures of the Krakens as they took on a University side unworthy of even Bamber Gasgoigne. If it be known, University Challenge used to supply contestants of the 1970’s with packets of Senior Service to smoke with their pre tv appearance drinks.
Clearly Holloway consider us to be the embodiment of this procedure, however it must be said that once we had reinflated our lungs, we did begin to play some better hockey.
Oh, but the rain the rain the rain. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the sand pitch and having umpired the Ladies' 4s previously, it felt like I would have to drag myself through yet another hour of a Bulgarian hand car wash just to make it to the beers.
But to the hockey…
After yet another ‘lucky goal’ according to Skipper Joe, (he used to own a vessel named Orca), I began to feel that we had been outwitted by the oppo. But if they scored one or they scored four goals, (who cares), the realisation set in that they were just doing the basics better than us.
They passed normally, they passed out normally, they stopped the ball normally, they scored goals normally, in fact they did everything that we are told to do by our Coach on Wednesday’s yet we failed to replicate simple hockey – or so our half time talk went.
I was told by the after game drinks party that I must mention Jim’s impersonation of a statue for much of the game but I don’t feel as a forward that I can do that without a retort from him. Jim looks after me at the front and admires my smooth physique from so many different angles so I don’t really want to get on his bad side and miss out on all the typical endearments.
Telling Jim that he is slightly slothful intercepting the ball is like me calling for Dave to sub on only to see Nic the Vic walking away early, instead of receiving the joint accolade of Dick of the Day along with Jim.
I am not going to put myself in that position again because I can’t take the beating or the bible bashing – so lets be clear: Jim and Nic are only DOD because they didn’t wind up to the after match drinks, in much the same way the opposition mocked Jim for winding up his penalty corner injections in Icelandic taunt. Naughty, we must put a stop to that.
Anyway, Oscar, Henry (who looks like the lead singer of the Associates) and the other boy whose name I forget but could be Cavendish or Gangham or Gothham; played really well. Typically our younger players don’t have liver failure issues, so their play resembles the kind of open play we used to enjoy when we played for teams higher that carried us.
That is why (plug) I love summer hockey so much because you never seem to have a bum day, but then you never always seem to have a keeper to stop your goals going in.
Anyway, positives aside we deffo have learnt to give the ball away with more style now and managed to use the right wing a lot and that was fun to watch, one particular base line cross that none of us managed to get a stick onto was the highlight of the game for me. So many close chances squandered like a half eaten german sausage.
Talk about breakfasts, I had to mention to Mark Lenel afterwards in the bar how disappointed I was in his execution of our 5 set plays. He can’t keep using a half eaten german sausage instead of a hockey stick to put away corners! It leaves a really smelly mess and there’s still one moulding away on the water pitch from last season, so please Mark, try and find your stick and the back of the net in future.
Talk about last season, I saw Jeremy in the bar also. He came over to greet me but when he heard our scoreline he just snarled at me and quoted Paddy Ashdown so its really important we score some goals for next time so I have a bona fide reason to tinker with the remote score control Jeremy so lovingly looks after.
I want to say more, but my dinner is nearly ready and I need another whiskey. Just as well because when the Argentinian Coach saw me in the bar he just laughed at me as if to say, “If all the Krakens make training on Wednesday then you have a slim chance of getting the Rum out for the right reasons” Thank God my Spanish is up to scratch, because I might well have just interpreted his glance to mean something else.
I love playing for the Krakens, I love winning and losing because I am getting so ripped with all this running around I hardly notice the score or the mistake I made by not following my own flipping advice
NO SPECULATIVE PASSES
NO SPECULUM PASS OUT
NO SPECTRUM ANALYIS
NO SPECTRES
JUST KEEP THE HOCKEY SIMPLES
Dicks of the DAYS: Jim and Nic
Man of the Match: It wasn’t Mark, I think it was the boy that looks like Billy Mackenzie
Krakens 0
Holloway Pre Prep 4-5 goals that they shrieked about lovingly, yeah but all that student debt! | 
