Prologue: Windsor arrived short and we gave them Jason (who nearly volunteered) but at least it gave him a full game and a different perspective on the match with a virginal side. Guildford dominated the play yet somehow conceded a goal in the dying minutes of the first half and were unsettled by a series of umpiring decisions. The second half peppered with more Rosoman incursions down the right wing into the D resulted in much more scoring opportunities and the Gondoliers displayed some good hockey moves.
Now onto a piece of fiction ghostwritten by Barabara Cartlands understudy:
Gondo's Tom shows Windsor a thing or two!
It is hard to imagine that only a couple of weeks ago we knocked in three text book goals; but this week was to be much harder given the way our Turkey guts eclipsed the view of the ball, and in Tom's case much of the field.
You might be forgiven for thinking that Tom Carney was not going to pull his enormous weight, but don't be fooled. Despite his equatorial size, Tom managed to haul us to yet another victory with a number of master strokes:
Firstly Windsor turned up missing a forward so Tom very delicately insisted I play for the opposition. Naturally I obeyed his voice without question only to find Brent Bottoms overtly pitching in to insist he play at least one half also, so not to lead people to think Tom and I are romantically involved, again.
As it was, the half playing against Gondo's enabled me to witness first hand the terror of facing Tom who is both masterful and punitive. His authority and respect across the field is legendary and it was an honour to watch him run rings around the opposition as if he was a gazelle. Clearly, Tom has now quit potatoes and relies upon a customised Irish Stew in order to fuel his Carthaginian status and poise.
Unfortunately Windsor sneaked one past James Chalmers GC in the first half but by the second - things would change. In the Summer Squat House the oppo brought in some festive spirits but Tom was having none of it. Tom had created his own potato hooch and either by stealth or restraint; he made sure we all had our fill.
We came out and reinstated now to left wing I witnessed the awesome and flying management skills that have made Tom a firm favourite for after dinner speaking in the world of Human Resources and Jingo Mambo. Tom now playing three different positions managed to pass the ball quickly and accurately across the entire field, picking out HP and Nigel for two stunning goals. It was incredible to watch how unselfish this charismatic leader is by ensuring he gave final passes to others instead of hogging the ball. Mark Lenel knows nothing of the real Tom!
At one point I wanted to just coast up to Tom and shadow his every move, so I might perfect what was for me: quite a lack lustre game. Afterwards Nigel and Mo tried to console me - but it was futile.
Tom is always right and right to challenge my style of play. Of course he is so modest but as a previous world champion he is blessed with an unassuming genius that even Stokesy yearns for.
The Umpires disallowed so many neat moves today and yet when Tom was caught in a foul or unscrupulous moment, the Ump's didn't dare to challenge Tom for fear of upsetting the rich legacy that affords Nato style protection to all provinces that bear his mighty name.
Descended from doubting Thomas, the centuries have been kind as they purge the winner and leader we enjoy today. Tom even asked me in showers to borrow my cosmetics!, such an honour - I ensured I caught the dribbles from the lids in order to rebottle them and then sell them world-wide as relics to the downtrodden and disenfranchised.
Tom's afters and befores are an elixir we must all assimilate into our lives for maximium stick and ball skills.
Even Brent admitted he was going to make training this week in order to emulate Tom's moves which are honest, robust and flavoursome.
Obviously it would be rude of me not to mention some of the other play this afternoon but so many of the build up's and exquisite passes were made by Tom it is difficult not to pay homage where homage is due. Tonks suggested we should enshrine his name on a plaque, perhaps at the corner of the bar where most hopefuls congregate, eager to catch sight or steal an autograph. Decisions like this are clearly way above my pay grade but something should be done to honour his star qualities.
Being 'leant' out to the opposing side has reminded me how important it is to report the gratitude we feel to Tom and every time he does it in future I will ensure the gratitude continues to dominate this ubiquitous and objective reportage - of which we must all succour.
I know Nigel will tell me off for being so furtive and direct in print with our national treasure but it is so difficult not to celebrate the ongoing obstetric contribution Tom brings to our game.
Well done, three cheers for our glorious vice captain Tom O'Carney.
Tom Carney - What a legend, but not from Jamaica