There was a time when people would write and thank me for writing home truths. Now the glut is over and it was left to a 'Bill Oddie' character in the bar afterwards who bears no resemblance to the Gondoliers or jocularity per say, to inform me in no uncertain terms that: he doesn't understand the match reports...
You're not supposed to, and how long has it been since you have picked up a stick and made yourself worthy of the Guildford Hockey Club Handle Adage? Answer me that, can you, will you...No?
Perhaps that's why Tom, Back from Transgender Golfing, Carney: asked me to write this week's stunning match report.
He knows intrinsically; that no one actually reads this poetry or, chiefly; will ever admit to it. Tom, why did you stick me in self deprecating bones and skin if you wanted truth to ooze out like a dodgy wimpy?
There was a moment, in between the goals when Tom, "I must massage the ball and never pass" Carney, actually went too far. He actually tried to give me on pitch instructions in order to cover his own sloth de passing and my stick mutinied. It said NO, No more, I will rebel and tell Tom where he should stick his advice.
The crowds, the gorgeous ladies team onlooking - cheered as I repudiated the advice; with stick flying and Tom, crestfallen - picked on someone else. He is of course right, like the other ex 1st team player in the bar who keeps arian looks. I do need to play with myself at the weekends, with my stick and ball, and refrain from being poached by the Pilgrims, who look even older than us, but slightly more tanned; as if they have just stepped off the yacht from remaking Duran Duran's Video: Rio.
The game was hard. The opposition Soft; and I can't really remember much else. Brent Bottoms has improved his one two pass ratio to one; which makes him a hero.
Tom 'Carnegie' Hall scored one goal from a short corner.
Micheal Regan, (Sweeney?) scored two more from short corners, but our open play was, as is always the case; close - but no cigar.
Chris Fel, Mel, Belshaw seemed slightly under par today; almost as if he is taking my match reports too seriously when he should actually just send me back to Southern Ireland for a talking to.
James Chalmers admitted to me afterwards that he is infact a black black dandi dan master in Karate; so I won't be f£$%^&* with him. There is lots to learn in the bar as there is on the pitch.
Apparently the oppo actually got a goal, but I was too busy thinking of how to lubricate Tom's advice afterwards that I hardly noticed.
What I did notice is that Brent and Tim both are really cool guys and in many respects share my love for Tom. Tom needs to know that when he comes to poach, comes to engage, comes to impose, comes to score; he is infact detracting away from us the opportunity to grow into little Toms.
A very miserable and well deserved score line:
Dido scores all day
Addendum (based on fact not a Barbara Cartland book), the seasoned and out of position defence including our goalie had an excellant game as confirmed by the opposition. Our squad of Back to Hockey newcomers continue to run around harrassing the oppo and making mayhem much to the consternation of Epsom, unused to younger and faster opponants. All the forwards need now to do is make that difficult transition from assisting to make goals to actually scoring goals